When I was a kid, my mother tried to protect me from everything. She was crazy protective. She was always on the lookout when I was watching TV to make sure I wasn’t watching anything questionable. One night when I was little I found a VHS tape called “The Lost Boys” sitting on the counter. I put it in and sat down to watch it. It was scary as hell. Granted I was like 6, but one particular scene still haunts me today. There is a scene where some guy is eating white rice and a vampire guy turns it into maggots. It was the grossest thing I ever saw. And I still have a phobia about those little things. Well, yesterday I was putting out the garbage and maggots popped out of the top of the bag. I screamed and flipped out. I was paralyzed. I stared at those things for 35 minutes clueless as to what to do. I started sweating. My shirt was soaked. I paced in circles trying to figure out a way to get rid of that garbage and kill those things. I felt so helpless. Im scared of other stuff like heights…drowning. ..Ryan Seacrest (just kidding). But ive never had this happen before. It took me 45 minutes to move one garbage bag 5 feet into a garbage can. I sprayed raid….409….hairspray….everything. I was happy to get rid of those things but now im deathly scared to throw any garbage out. …and now ive become an obsessive cleaner. I shake just thinking about it.
“Thanks for agreeing to do this interview…I’m doing a study on unimpressive males who are clueless…and you fit the bill perfectly.”
“Well, thank you…I guess. At least I fit a bill somewhere…when it comes to bills, I usually avoid them.”
“Let’s get started, Mr. Unimpressive Male.”
1. What are your pet peeves?
“Hmm….I hate when people tell me ‘your shoelace is untied.’ Obviously I am THAT lazy. Please let me fall on my face in peace. Also, we have these universal shirt sizes…small…extra small….large….extra large…and medium. Why no ‘extra medium’? That is where I fit. I’m too big for medium and only a cheeseburger away from a large. Every shopping trip results in me standing around trying to figure out wether I would need to hold in my breath everytime I wear a particular shirt or wear the large that would not match my skinny jeans. And we all know that is a fashion foul cause Joan Rivers said so.”
2. Do you feel unaccomplished?
“Yes. Every day I look in the mirror and I am filled with regret. Starting from the choices I made in high school….the paths I chose in my career…and they years I wasted in college. I get jealous when I see those more fortunate than me. That’s why I hate shows that let rich folks display everything we wish we had. They complain that they can’t find the perfect Lamborghini to match their brand new custom made Prada purse…and I’m over here trying to decide over which brand of cereal to buy. You know what? If I had money, I would create my own extra medium clothing line. In fact, can we go back to the pet peeve question? I also hate guys at the club who wear shirts two sizes too small just to highlight the muscles. Seriously, if you sneeze, your shirt will rip off. Seriously, your shirt is so tight that I can see what you ate at the club….because your shirt is so tight that I can see the sampler platter you just scarfed down go through the digestive process just by looking at your shirt. I like science and all….but prefer not to see it happen in 3D.”
3. Why haven’t you had a second child?
“I’m scared to. I honestly feel like I would not have enough love to give a second child. I give my kid everything she wants….toys….clothes. She is spoiled. What would happen if I had a second kid? My first kid would not get everything she wanted….I would actually have to say no to her. Maybe I can give that job to my wife…because she has no problem saying no to me every night. My wife has talked to me about having another kid….but I can’t do it.”
“Well, thank you Mr. Unimpressive. I have learned nothing from this interview and it was a complete waste of my time. Good luck with your future extra medium clothing line.”
I love being a human. We take it for granted sometimes. Just imagine, the ability to eat and thoroughly enjoy it. Yes, other species eat….but do they enjoy it as much as we do? We stand in line at buffets and and fantasize of what goes on our plate. Do we feel like roast beef topped with gravy and a side of crab legs mixed with maple syrup? We can do that. What about fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and every color of jello known to Bill Cosby? Go ahead. I’ve watched animals eat….but are they really enjoying food? I sometimes stare at my dogs while they eat kibble or cans of dog food and wonder if they like it.
“Thank you human for the same bland kibble and steak flavored wet food. It is scrumptious and I love the disgusting plop sound it makes when it hits my bowl. I love it as much as when you wake up in the middle of the night and proceed to disappoint your wife sexually. Thank you.”
We sit there and really enjoy food. We watch cooking shows and learn new techniques. We watch Bobby Flay and say, “I can do that…” even if we are known to burn Pop Tarts.
But there is one animal I am jealous of…birds. For two specific reasons:
1. Flying. I am deftly scared of heights. I look at tall buildings and say “nuh-uh”. I look at mountains and shake my head faster than my kid’s reaction to eating broccoli. I look at climbing a 4-foot step ladder and feel like im climbing Mount Everest. Imagine how free you would feel just flying away. Hate the weather today, you can fly away to a warmer city. Want to see the world from a better perspective? Fly up to the highest tree you can find. Imagine the wind beneath your wings…hey Bette Midler did it. And now you probably have the song in your head. You’re welcome.
2. The ability to poop anywhere and make it a game. I would love this. I would fly around until i see a guy with a sweater tied around his neck driving a convertible with the top down. I would fly over him and aim for his Ray ban sunglasses or his Double Mocha Non-fat and extra foam Latte. Oh the joy I would feel…
Where would I be without Math? All the hours I spent in Geometry class, trying to prove a shape was a triangle. Because looks alone can’t determine that, so we have to calculate that by figuring out angles, flipping a coin, and making sure your body is facing wherever Kim Kardashian’s bottom is sitting. Oh how useful it is, because I get confused on wether my beloved pizza slice is indeed a triangle or a really bad impression of a triangle.
And let’s not forget to honor word problems. Because where would we be of we did not know what time a train leaving New York would reach Chicago if it was going 89.7 miles per hour. That practice has been a lifesaver. It helped me figure out wether I should get married.
“If my feelings were in LA….and her feelings were in San Francisco. And they needed to reach the city of ‘marriage’…how fast would the feelings need to develop by 1130 pm? And what about roadblocks? Ok….add ‘baggage’….’insecurity’….multiply by ‘fake facebook accounts’….and divide by the number of sexual partners the person as had….hmm…add erectile dysfunction. ….subtract increased paranoia due to a best friend being of the opposite sex….ok…is that greater than or equal to divorce?”
We would be fools to forget good ole Pythagoras. Who is he? The guy who created the Pythagorean theorem.
A squared + B squared = c squared
Yes, without that theory I wouldn’t know if the urinal I choose to use in the men’s bathroom is too close to the next male. Would that decrease my feeling of comfort? What if the guy turns to me and says “looks like its cold in here”? What if the guy is chewing gum while doing this? Will I be grossed out? And if I don’t calculate the correct distance to stay away from the nearest urinating man, will he try to engage in a full debate on nuclear negotiations between North Korea and the US.
We owe all this power to Math.
She closed the door behind her. She checked her phone…7:47. Late, again.
“I really need to wake up earlier. I would have gotten ready sooner if hubby wasn’t taking his usual ‘number two’ in the morning….yes he leaves the door unlocked so I can go in and out. But the sight of him on the toilet playing video games is not pretty…”
She turned on her radio…..commercial….checked another station…commercial. She got frustrated.
She stopped at another red light. Finally a song starts to flow through the speakers.
◆..because I’m happy….clap along if you feel like a room without a roof..◆
She turned off the radio.
“..if they play that song one more time.”
She grabbed a granola bar from her purse.
“That was sweet of hubby to buy me a granola bar and fill up my gas early this morning. And he does this in whatever he fell asleep in. Today…tank top and Spongebob Squarepants pajamas and mismatching slippers. One blue…and one pink. Imagine the look of the cashier when he comes up to pay. She probably thinks he’s a drug addict or something.”
She laughed to herself.
“His allergies are killing him. And now he’s complaining about his nose being addicted to nose spray. Is that even real? Nose spray addiction? Do I need to set up an intervention for his nose? I can see it now…’hi, I’m a nose and I’m addicted to Afrin nose spray.’ He probably just made that up…..let me see.”
She waited til the light turned red.
“…nose….spray….addiction. Whoa, that is real.”
She remembered his outfit this morning.
“He really doesn’t care what people think…and if it makes people laugh…he thinks its worth it. Maybe i’ll give him ‘some’ tonight…..NAH.”
Three super items and I only have enough money for one.
1. Helmet of Invisibility
2. An Anywhere Door
3. A Time Machine
You can only choose one. I really can’t see a good reason to have invisibility. Do I really want to have the power to spy on conversations and hear things I don’t want to hear? Sorry not my thing. But what about an “anywhere door?” The power to get anywhere in a second. I would never be late for work…..late for anything. But again, not very useful to me because I probably would only use that door to buy food or decrease the amount of laziness I have. Think about it….I can see myself sitting on the couch watching TV.
“A croissant…..and a donut? A cronut? Wow, sounds good.” Poof, I get one.
“An 18 inch corndog in Milwaukee?”
Poof….I get one.
A few more trips through the anywhere door and I wouldn’t be able to move anywhere cause of all the weight I gained.
So if I had to choose, it would be the Time Machine. I love history so this machine would give me the power to see anything I wanted. Forget the History channel…I would be living history. I would watch Lincoln’s Gettysburg address. Watch George Washington cross the Delaware River on that historic night. Maybe, I felt like seeing dinosaurs…all it would take is one trip. I am fascinated by stories of kings and knights. I could live out my own version on The Game of Thrones, well, minus the beheading stuff. And what if I want to see the future? Do we all just become zombies later? Are there flying cars? I could find that out easily. But most of all, this power would allow me to fix the mistakes I made in life. The things that still bother me today. The regrets….the bad decisions.
1998. I was 9. It was my mother’s birthday and I saved money to buy her a gift. I asked her to take me to the department store to buy her a gift. She was so excited. We walk into the store and start walking to the aisle with perfume and birthday cards. But im sidetracked….by the video game aisle. I see this Ninja video game and I look at the l price…..8.99. I have 7.00, enough for a small gift and card for my mother. I grab the game and find my mother.
“Mom, I want to buy this game but I don’t have enough. I need three more dollars. Can I borrow it from you?”
She has a sad look on her face and she hands me three dollars. So not only did I not use the money to buy her a gift, but she paid for the rest of this Ninja game. What a jerk move. I would hop in my time machine and bring extra money with me and buy her something special.
2004. I was reunited with my future wife. We hung out as friends and she started hanging out with my friends. It was innocent at first but I was developing feelings.The problem was my best friend was developing feelings for her also. He turned to me..
“Hey man, is it cool if I ask her out? I mean, would it be weird because of your history with her?”
“Sure man…no problem. We dated in the past…so its not a big deal.”
But it was a big deal. We had feelings for each other and now we had to hide it. He asked her out and they went on a couple of dates. She showed no interest in him and continued to want to date me. This is where I would have used the time machine. I would have explained my feelings for her. He probably would have understood and backed off. But, I didn’t do that so he found out about my feelings for her much later. He developed feelings of resentment and anger. And basically “unfriended” me. I was ostracized by our group of guy friends. And forced to take a different path. I’ve known that guy since 6th grade….he would have been my best man. I’ve tried numerous times to reconcile…email…..messages through FB. And have received silence.
3. And finally for pig-headed reasons.
Every man’s bucket-list.
What would you choose?
Allergies are the worst. You walk around like a zombie because all the medication you took warned of drowsiness. Your eyes are puffy….your nose is running like a faucet so you just balled up tissue and stuck it directly in your nostrils to stop the ooze. Your coughing and breathing hard, so you sound like Darth Vader wherever you go. Its the most unsexy condition known to man. That’s where i am now. I feel weak and every single small task feels like im trying to cure world hunger. I look at my stairs into my house ans it looks like Mount Everest to me.
“She wanted stairs….I didn’t want stairs. Who’s bright idea was it to invent stairs? What happened to the old fashioned skill of climbing up walls. What I wouldn’t give to be Spider-Man right now..just shoot a web-thingy out of my arm and float up there. ”
After the slowest trek up a flight of stairs ever in the Guinness Book of World Records…I plopped on my couch and took an inventory. It was nice and quiet. All I could hear was the heaving of my mucus filled lungs. The silence was broken.
“Honey. …can you grab the laundry out of the dryer? ”
I sighed and got up to walk to the garage. I opened up the dryer and something caught my eye. Something in a far away box…it was shiny. I had to know what it was. We are all attracted to shiny things…so my wandered as I figured out a way to get to that box. I began moving box after box and it was finally within grasp. I was wheezing from all this unexpected work. I grabbed the shiny item and looked at it. A plain ol’ CD. I flipped it over and there was writing on it.
I was curious. It was my wife’s handwriting. I walked back into the house.
“Hey..babe. What’s this?” I handed it to her. She chuckled.
“Do you really want to know what I used this CD for? What kind of music is on this CD?”
“No…but I bet it whenever you played this ‘Freaky-Deeky’ CD, a bed was involved.”
“Not always…..” She laughed. I had stumbled upon my wife’s old mood music CD. The music she played to become the soundtrack to a night full of nasty activities. I looked at her and I could see her mind churning….thinking of memories and the random dongs that joined in this CD.
I’ve known this woman for 17 years. But I had never asked about her “number.” The amount of men she had slept with. It never bothered me. But I admit, I get weak sometimes. What would I gain if she told me? First of all, she would probably be lying. And no matter what the number was….it would still be too high in my eyes. And more questions would come up.
“Who was your best? Am I the best? Who was ‘bigger? Who? That guy? No way….where is he now? Im going there and asking him to show it….cause you know I have no problem whipping it out for no reason.”
So, I bit my tongue and tabled that question. There are just some questions that you don’t want the answers to.
I’m curious. What about you? Are there questions about your significant other that you don’t want the answers to? Does the ‘number’ bother you?