Tag Archives: animals

“Don’t discount the ability to poop on people and get away with it.”

I love being a human. We take it for granted sometimes. Just imagine, the ability to eat and thoroughly enjoy it. Yes, other species eat….but do they enjoy it as much as we do? We stand in line at buffets and and fantasize of what goes on our plate. Do we feel like roast beef topped with gravy and a side of crab legs mixed with maple syrup? We can do that. What about fried chicken,  mashed potatoes, and every color of jello known to Bill Cosby? Go ahead. I’ve watched animals eat….but are they really enjoying food? I sometimes stare at my dogs while they eat kibble or cans of dog food and wonder if they like it.

“Thank you human for the same bland kibble and steak flavored wet food. It is scrumptious and I love the disgusting plop sound it makes when it hits my bowl. I love it as much as when you wake up in the middle of the night and proceed to disappoint your wife sexually. Thank you.”

We sit there and really enjoy food. We watch cooking shows and learn new techniques. We watch Bobby Flay and say, “I can do that…” even if we are known to burn Pop Tarts.

But there is one animal I am jealous of…birds. For two specific reasons:

1. Flying. I am deftly scared of heights. I look at tall buildings and say “nuh-uh”. I look at mountains and shake my head faster than my kid’s reaction to eating broccoli. I look at climbing a 4-foot step ladder and feel like im climbing Mount Everest. Imagine how free you would feel just flying away. Hate the weather today, you can fly away to a warmer city. Want to see the world from a better perspective? Fly up to the highest tree you can find. Imagine the wind beneath your wings…hey Bette Midler did it. And now you probably have the song in your head. You’re welcome.

2. The ability to poop anywhere and make it a game. I would love this. I would fly around until i see a guy with a sweater tied around his neck driving a convertible with the top down. I would fly over him and aim for his Ray ban sunglasses or his Double Mocha Non-fat and extra foam Latte. Oh the joy I would feel…

The Daily Post-Human Hybrid