Tag Archives: food

“Don’t discount the ability to poop on people and get away with it.”

I love being a human. We take it for granted sometimes. Just imagine, the ability to eat and thoroughly enjoy it. Yes, other species eat….but do they enjoy it as much as we do? We stand in line at buffets and and fantasize of what goes on our plate. Do we feel like roast beef topped with gravy and a side of crab legs mixed with maple syrup? We can do that. What about fried chicken,  mashed potatoes, and every color of jello known to Bill Cosby? Go ahead. I’ve watched animals eat….but are they really enjoying food? I sometimes stare at my dogs while they eat kibble or cans of dog food and wonder if they like it.

“Thank you human for the same bland kibble and steak flavored wet food. It is scrumptious and I love the disgusting plop sound it makes when it hits my bowl. I love it as much as when you wake up in the middle of the night and proceed to disappoint your wife sexually. Thank you.”

We sit there and really enjoy food. We watch cooking shows and learn new techniques. We watch Bobby Flay and say, “I can do that…” even if we are known to burn Pop Tarts.

But there is one animal I am jealous of…birds. For two specific reasons:

1. Flying. I am deftly scared of heights. I look at tall buildings and say “nuh-uh”. I look at mountains and shake my head faster than my kid’s reaction to eating broccoli. I look at climbing a 4-foot step ladder and feel like im climbing Mount Everest. Imagine how free you would feel just flying away. Hate the weather today, you can fly away to a warmer city. Want to see the world from a better perspective? Fly up to the highest tree you can find. Imagine the wind beneath your wings…hey Bette Midler did it. And now you probably have the song in your head. You’re welcome.

2. The ability to poop anywhere and make it a game. I would love this. I would fly around until i see a guy with a sweater tied around his neck driving a convertible with the top down. I would fly over him and aim for his Ray ban sunglasses or his Double Mocha Non-fat and extra foam Latte. Oh the joy I would feel…

The Daily Post-Human Hybrid

” Oh, the places you will go..”

Three super items and I only have enough money for one.

1. Helmet of Invisibility
2. An Anywhere Door
3. A Time Machine

You can only choose one. I really can’t see a good reason to have invisibility. Do I really want to have the power to spy on conversations and hear things I don’t want to hear? Sorry not my thing. But what about an “anywhere door?” The power to get anywhere in a second. I would never be late for work…..late for anything. But again, not very useful to me because I probably would only use that door to buy food or decrease the amount of laziness I have. Think about it….I can see myself sitting on the couch watching TV.

“A croissant…..and a donut? A cronut? Wow, sounds good.” Poof, I get one.

“An 18 inch corndog in Milwaukee?”
Poof….I get one.

A few more trips through the anywhere door and I wouldn’t be able to move anywhere cause of all the weight I gained.

So if I had to choose, it would be the Time Machine. I love history so this machine would give me the power to see anything I wanted. Forget the History channel…I would be living history. I would watch Lincoln’s Gettysburg address. Watch George Washington cross the Delaware River on that historic night. Maybe, I felt like seeing dinosaurs…all it would take is one trip. I am fascinated by stories of kings and knights. I could live out my own version on The Game of Thrones, well, minus the beheading stuff. And what if I want to see the future?  Do we all just become zombies later? Are there flying cars? I could find that out easily. But most of all, this power would allow me to fix the mistakes I made in life. The things that still bother me today. The regrets….the bad decisions.

1.
1998. I was 9. It was my mother’s birthday and I saved money to buy her a gift. I asked her to take me to the department store to buy her a gift. She was so excited. We walk into the store and start walking to the aisle with perfume and birthday cards. But im sidetracked….by the video game aisle. I see this Ninja video game and I look at the l price…..8.99. I have 7.00, enough for a small gift and card for my mother. I grab the game and find my mother.

“Mom, I want to buy this game but I don’t have enough. I need three more dollars. Can I borrow it from you?”

She has a sad look on her face and she hands me three dollars. So not only did I not use the money to buy her a gift, but  she paid for the rest of this Ninja game. What a jerk move. I would hop in my time machine and bring extra money with me and buy her something special.

2.
2004. I was reunited with my future wife. We hung out as friends and she started hanging out with my friends. It was innocent at first but I was developing feelings.The problem was my best friend was developing feelings for her also. He turned to me..

“Hey man, is it cool if I ask her out? I mean, would it be weird because of your history with her?”

“Sure man…no problem. We dated in the past…so its not a big deal.”

But it was a big deal. We had feelings for each other and now we had to hide it. He asked her out and they went on a couple of dates. She showed no interest in him and continued to want to date me. This is where I would have used the time machine. I would have explained my feelings for her. He probably would have understood and backed off. But, I didn’t do that so he found out about my feelings for her much later. He developed feelings of resentment and anger. And basically “unfriended” me. I was ostracized by our group of guy friends. And forced to take a different path. I’ve known that guy since 6th grade….he would have been my best man. I’ve tried numerous times to reconcile…email…..messages through FB. And have received silence.

3. And finally for pig-headed reasons.
Every man’s bucket-list.

What would you choose?

The Daily Post-Pick Your Gadget

“I….just…..can’t…..stop.”

We all guilty pleasures. Maybe we feel guilty cause we know it’s wrong….or because it’s not healthy….or maybe because we feel it would be embarrassing if anyone knew. I have a guilty pleasure for each category. But, I think its perfectly normal to have these secrets. I mean, honestly, do you really share everything with people? Are you completely honest all the time?

“Will the medicine taste bad doctor?”

“Will the shot hurt Doctor? ”

See, even doctors have to lie. Or would you like this?

“Will the medicine taste bad?”

“Yes…it will taste horrible. It tastes like phlegm mixed with tartar sauce. And to make things worse, it will give you diarrhea….a serious case of what us doctors call ‘mudbutt’.”

“Will the shot hurt doc?”

“Yes, it will hurt immensely. Your right arm will become numb for two days. And this will affect your aim while urinating. Your aim will veer to the right,  so in suggest practicing or you will make a mess everytime you pee.”

No, we don’t want to hear that.

First thing, I love reality TV. My DVR is filled with it. What’s going on the Kardashians? This guy needs to know. Which star is being eliminated from Dancing with the Stars? Again, i’ll be watching with a big tub-o-popcorn. Mama June is getting married in Here comes Honey Boo Boo? Oooh, I gotta see that! Tribal council on Survivor…who’s getting voted off? But seriously, I am addicted to reality tv shows that have to do with singing. I sit there and sing along to every sing song a contestant sings. Well, they hit the notes…I sing terrible. I cheer when my favorite contestants do well and I go into deep depression if one of my favorites leaves the competition. Yes, I know. That’s very manly of me.

I have a huge sweet tooth. I need it all the time. I can stand in the candy aisle for hours. Am I in the mood for chocolate? Something sour? Something fruity? All of the above please. I am a dentist’s nightmare.

“Yes…i have to say this but, you have seven cavities. And they are huge. The size of a Skittles to be exact.”

“Really? Cause I just had some before I got here….you want some? The green ones are my favorite.”

But my all-time favorite sweet thing is caramel. I have eaten jars of that stuff. I put it on ice cream, apples, pies, cakes, and certain body parts. (I don’t recommend it cause it is very sticky and hard to wash off. Plus, you and your significant other will smell like caramel all day.)

Speaking of my junk, that leads me to my next guilty pleasure…social media. I spend all day checking Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I comment on statuses…like pics…and retweet funny posts. But, my current addiction is Snapchat. Just ask my wife, she constantly receives  special pics of me.

But my number one guilty pleasure is blogging. Why? Writing? Really? Yes. Because no one I know knows about this blog. The things I write about my wife…my dirty past….my thoughts on marriage and single life…the struggles with parenting and marriage…it would cause me great trouble if this blog was discovered. But I love writing and expressing myself through it. I am addicted to reading other blogs and sharing in their lives. I feel honored to see that aspect of the people I follow. And if you are reading this…thank you.

The Daily Post-Guilty Pleasure

“I travel because I want to eat stuff in different places”

My wife is a traveler. She has been everywhere. She loves the process of selecting the next family vacation. She does her research…prints out excel spreadsheets that are color-coordinated to highlight places of interest….calculates the pros and cons of each hotel in the area. And when shes done with said research she hands me the finished product. I take one look at that stack and thumb through it just to shown I’m interested…but I’m not. That’s not how I pick where to travel to. Sightseeing is great, but my eyes don’t make my decision….it’s my stomach. Where are the best places to eat? Can we eat stuff that we can’t eat around here? I don’t need color-coordinated excel spreadsheets to figure that out. Where do I want to eat?

1. New York
The statue of liberty. Yankee Stadium. Madison Square Garden. Times Square. All great stuff to see. But what about New York style pizza and hot dogs? I’m all for seeing these places and pizza and hot dog are easy foods to eat while on the go. So, the whole family wins.

2. Hawaii
Beautiful beaches. Volcanos. Water that is ACTUALLY blue and not greenish brown like we have out here. Hula dancers and dudes throwing fire and beating drums. All sweet, but what about spam? I love spam. Yes, its processed meat…yes, you really dont know what you are eating. But, it’s delicious and they have a lot of it there. I want to drink a neon blue drink while eating something spam-related on a beach while watching my little one build sand castles. Heaven.

3. Paris
Ok, I’m a bit softie for this place. The Eiffel tower. Museums galore. Historic places to see. There is stuff to eat here. And eating stuff in a different country is a plus. So food wouldn’t necessarily be the main draw for me here.

4. New Orleans
Mardi Gras? Nah….gumbo and beignets? Oh yes. So I will skip all the sparkly bead throwing and unnecessary flashing from random people and walk right over to the nearest place I can eat jambalaya. Well, maybe I won’t skip the unnecessary flashing. And maybe I would need to watch my wife a bit…cause she has no problem flashing her “cash and prizes.”

5. Anywhere in Texas
BBQ. Yes there are places to see. But all I want to see is stuff with BBQ sauce on it. I bet this place smells delicious. I can imagine waking up in the morning and taking a stroll down the street and having my nostrils treated to a beautiful mix of BBQ cooking and sweet brown sugary sauce. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I think I gained weight just writing about all this food.

The Daily Press-The Wanderer