Tag Archives: marriage

“….why does he do that?”

She closed the door behind her. She checked her phone…7:47. Late, again.

“I really need to wake up earlier. I would have gotten ready sooner if hubby wasn’t taking his usual ‘number two’ in the morning….yes he leaves the door unlocked so I can go in and out. But the sight of him on the toilet playing video games is not pretty…”

She turned on her radio…..commercial….checked another station…commercial. She got frustrated.

“Geez…ridiculous.”

She stopped at another red light. Finally a song starts to flow through the speakers.

◆..because I’m happy….clap along if you feel like a room without a roof..◆

She turned off the radio.

“..if they play that song one more time.”

She grabbed a granola bar from her purse.

“That was sweet of hubby to buy me a granola bar and fill up my gas early this morning. And he does this in whatever he fell asleep in. Today…tank top and Spongebob Squarepants pajamas and mismatching slippers. One blue…and one pink. Imagine the look of the cashier when he comes up to pay. She probably thinks he’s a drug addict or something.”

She laughed to herself.

“His allergies are killing him. And now he’s complaining about his nose being addicted to nose spray. Is that even real? Nose spray addiction? Do I need to set up an intervention for his nose? I can see it now…’hi, I’m a nose and I’m addicted to Afrin nose spray.’ He probably just made that up…..let me see.”

She waited til the light turned red.

“…nose….spray….addiction. Whoa,  that is real.”

She remembered his outfit this morning.

“He really doesn’t care what people think…and if it makes people laugh…he thinks its worth it. Maybe i’ll give him ‘some’ tonight…..NAH.”

The Daily Post-Mind Reader

“I’m a man and I need a purse.”

There comes a time in every man’s life where we contemplate if we could walk a straight line in heels. What….just me? But seriously, I’m jealous of purses. I need a purse but a manly purse. The ability to carry whatever you want….wallet….tissue…extra clothes…food…phone…checkbook is underrated. Men have to carry a lot of stuff too….why cant we be fashionable and manly at the same time? And no, don’t say messenger bags. I don’t want to look like a roaming IT support guy who has a messenger bag and can clear your computer viruses on the drop of a dime. I wear jeans every day. And there is no room for extra accessories in these skinny pockets. My wallet…my keys…an inhaler(I’m an asthmatic)…tissue(allergies)…yes, I’m quite a mess when it comes to health. That’s all I have room for. But what about if I want to store a peanut and jelly sandwich. ..or goldfish crackers for my little one if she gets hungry? And what if I want to sneak snacks into the movies?

“Let’s see….popcorn….two sodas….two candies…one kid size lemonade….that will be 35.00.”

“Wow what a deal! You guys should really charge more for this stuff..I mean, with prices like this you could go out of business.”

And speaking of jealousy, another reason why I’m jealous of women. You have the power to be sexy. That is not a normal male trait. Well, unless you are Ryan Gosling…cause admit it men, even you think he is sexy.

“Nah man that’s fruity….I can’t say he’s sexy. But he does have beautiful blue eyes.”

A man can put his best outfit on…..get his hair done up….kick his best lines….be witty…and still go home and grab his big bottle of lotion.

But a woman could walk into a bar wearing sweat pants…straight out of bed….and still come home with a man. Its the simple things. A woman can sit there and twirl her hair….sexy. She can bite her lip…sexy. Imagine a female going into your closet and putting on one of your shirts on just wearing panties. And if a man goes into a woman’s closet….grabs a blouse or cardigan..puts it on….and walks out wearing that and his whitey-tighties on….sexy? Nope.

And finally, I’m jealous of your bathrooms. Women have individual stalls. You get privacy. We have urinals. We line up and stare straight into the wall because if we look a centimeter to the left or right, the chances are high that some other guys’ s schlong will appear in your periphery. And if that happens,  you will leave the bathroom depressed because that accidental dong-sighting was bigger than yours.

“Do I need to wash my junk tonight?”

The process of dating is fun. You meet someone. You work up the nerve to try to talk to them. You spit out awkward conversation knowing that any line you say could turn her off for good.

“Yeah, people say I’m pretty sensitive. I mean, I slept with a teddy bear until I was 17.”

“You love to shop?  So do I! I can just stay in the condom aisle for hours….I mean, so many choices….Magnum,  extra sensitive, ribbed….the possibilities are  endless!”

But say you find the one…..the real one. Not the one you just want to sleep with. THE one….the person who would accept you even if you pass gas every 15 seconds in public. Thats gross,  by the way, don’t do that. (I’m talking to you Mr. Blue Polo shirt who was in front of me at Target this morning.)

It’s amazing the lengths we go to impress someone. You comb your hair, you dress up in your best outfits….you ACTUALLY bathe. Being single was great,  but many people don’t appreciate the perks of being married. This is my list of perks to being married.

1. My socks don’t have to match and they can have holes in them. My wife loves me even if my big toe is sticking out of my socks that don’t match.

2. I don’t have to be “Mr. All Night Long” anymore. Now its more like, “Hurry up, commercials are on…don’t want to miss my show.” And she doesn’t get mad at my “secret collection” that I’ve had since I was a freshman in college. Had some lonely nights back then.

3. I don’t have to shave my face every day. I hate shaving. And I end up a bloody mess every single time I do it. But I do “man-scape”, I take pride in it. I treat it like a Bonsai Tree…I prune it, shape it. It’s a work of art.

4. She is not embarrassed by my actions. She laughs at every bad joke I say….and doesn’t mind that I still sing Blackstreet Boys and N’sync songs full blast with the windows down in my car.

5. She helps me keep my “Man-card.” No, I wasn’t watching NASCAR or giving my car a tune-up last night. I was letting my daughter paint my toe nails while watching American Idol.

“I travel because I want to eat stuff in different places”

My wife is a traveler. She has been everywhere. She loves the process of selecting the next family vacation. She does her research…prints out excel spreadsheets that are color-coordinated to highlight places of interest….calculates the pros and cons of each hotel in the area. And when shes done with said research she hands me the finished product. I take one look at that stack and thumb through it just to shown I’m interested…but I’m not. That’s not how I pick where to travel to. Sightseeing is great, but my eyes don’t make my decision….it’s my stomach. Where are the best places to eat? Can we eat stuff that we can’t eat around here? I don’t need color-coordinated excel spreadsheets to figure that out. Where do I want to eat?

1. New York
The statue of liberty. Yankee Stadium. Madison Square Garden. Times Square. All great stuff to see. But what about New York style pizza and hot dogs? I’m all for seeing these places and pizza and hot dog are easy foods to eat while on the go. So, the whole family wins.

2. Hawaii
Beautiful beaches. Volcanos. Water that is ACTUALLY blue and not greenish brown like we have out here. Hula dancers and dudes throwing fire and beating drums. All sweet, but what about spam? I love spam. Yes, its processed meat…yes, you really dont know what you are eating. But, it’s delicious and they have a lot of it there. I want to drink a neon blue drink while eating something spam-related on a beach while watching my little one build sand castles. Heaven.

3. Paris
Ok, I’m a bit softie for this place. The Eiffel tower. Museums galore. Historic places to see. There is stuff to eat here. And eating stuff in a different country is a plus. So food wouldn’t necessarily be the main draw for me here.

4. New Orleans
Mardi Gras? Nah….gumbo and beignets? Oh yes. So I will skip all the sparkly bead throwing and unnecessary flashing from random people and walk right over to the nearest place I can eat jambalaya. Well, maybe I won’t skip the unnecessary flashing. And maybe I would need to watch my wife a bit…cause she has no problem flashing her “cash and prizes.”

5. Anywhere in Texas
BBQ. Yes there are places to see. But all I want to see is stuff with BBQ sauce on it. I bet this place smells delicious. I can imagine waking up in the morning and taking a stroll down the street and having my nostrils treated to a beautiful mix of BBQ cooking and sweet brown sugary sauce. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I think I gained weight just writing about all this food.

The Daily Press-The Wanderer

“I can’t even take care of myself. .”

I stared at my wife.

“Are we sure we want to do this? Are we ready for this?”

She looked at me, “I think so.”

“Should we wait a bit? Like a year? Or five?

She laughed, “Five? No…we should do this now.”

I thought to myself, “A baby…me, a Dad? I can’t even take care of myself.”

But, she was right. She thought we ready. We didn’t know if we could but we wanted to take a chance. I did my research and bought enough books to fill a library. After, two months of hard….fun work….my wife was pregnant. Then came the cravings, which led to late night trips to find fish sandwiches. Or early mornings where she wanted ice cream and pickles for breakfast.

A few months later,  we were at the doctor’s office looking at my baby through a computer screen.

“It’s a girl…..congratulations.”

I started to panic internally. I flashed forward to her first steps, first prom, her first broken heart. I got angry, “I don’t know you, but whoever you are…you broke my daughter’s heart..I hate you.” I realized I was jumping way ahead of myself. My kid wasn’t even born yet and I was already mad at future boyfriends.

I looked at the screen and said, “I’m so proud of you baby…whoever you are….I love you and I can’t wait to meet you.”

5 and a half years later, our house is an explosion of Disney and pink. And if I hear “Let It Go” one more time, I will go crazy. From the random dancing in the middle of a mall store, hugs from my little one, tantrums, tea parties, and giggle fests….I couldn’t be happier. But, I still hate you future boyfriend.

Daily Press-A Chance

The Disappearing Maid of Honor

Planning a wedding is not fun….especially for the man. But, women love it. They get excited over choosing cake, what colors to use, which flowers to showcase, and choosing their bridal party. When I proposed to my wife, she knew who her maid of honor would be. A woman named Veronica. They were best friends. They were co-workers and became inseparable. They shopped together….partied together….travelled together….everything. So when she asked Veronica to be her maid of honor, it was a done deal. Fast forward to two months before the wedding, the maid of honor disappeared. She wasn’t returning phone calls or emails. Finally, a month later my wife received an email with no subject from Veronica. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She did not want to be a part of the wedding. No reason. And she disappeared from my wife’s life forever. It crushed my future wife, especially since she did not know why. And I think it came clear a month ago. All because of a stupid Facebook questionnaire.

Me: Babe…do this game. It ask questions about your past experiences and attaches a money amount to it. And at the end, you add it up…so the more money you “have” calculates how many bad things you have done. K?

Wife: Ok.

My wife did the normal stuff. I read the list…it included smoking cigarettes or stealing from a store. Everyone has tried that. But one question caught me off guard.

Me: Threesome…have you ever had a Threesome.

Wife: ……yes.

Me: Whoa! Stop….details…who? Positions? Tell me please. You never told me this.

Wife: No…I can’t do that. No.

Me: What? Please….are you serious?

Wife: Veronica…

There it was…..she disappeared because she was in love with my wife. And it hurt her to see her get married. And I think my wife knew that all along. And yes, she was hot….just in case you were wondering.