There comes a time in every man’s life where we contemplate if we could walk a straight line in heels. What….just me? But seriously, I’m jealous of purses. I need a purse but a manly purse. The ability to carry whatever you want….wallet….tissue…extra clothes…food…phone…checkbook is underrated. Men have to carry a lot of stuff too….why cant we be fashionable and manly at the same time? And no, don’t say messenger bags. I don’t want to look like a roaming IT support guy who has a messenger bag and can clear your computer viruses on the drop of a dime. I wear jeans every day. And there is no room for extra accessories in these skinny pockets. My wallet…my keys…an inhaler(I’m an asthmatic)…tissue(allergies)…yes, I’m quite a mess when it comes to health. That’s all I have room for. But what about if I want to store a peanut and jelly sandwich. ..or goldfish crackers for my little one if she gets hungry? And what if I want to sneak snacks into the movies?
“Let’s see….popcorn….two sodas….two candies…one kid size lemonade….that will be 35.00.”
“Wow what a deal! You guys should really charge more for this stuff..I mean, with prices like this you could go out of business.”
And speaking of jealousy, another reason why I’m jealous of women. You have the power to be sexy. That is not a normal male trait. Well, unless you are Ryan Gosling…cause admit it men, even you think he is sexy.
“Nah man that’s fruity….I can’t say he’s sexy. But he does have beautiful blue eyes.”
A man can put his best outfit on…..get his hair done up….kick his best lines….be witty…and still go home and grab his big bottle of lotion.
But a woman could walk into a bar wearing sweat pants…straight out of bed….and still come home with a man. Its the simple things. A woman can sit there and twirl her hair….sexy. She can bite her lip…sexy. Imagine a female going into your closet and putting on one of your shirts on just wearing panties. And if a man goes into a woman’s closet….grabs a blouse or cardigan..puts it on….and walks out wearing that and his whitey-tighties on….sexy? Nope.
And finally, I’m jealous of your bathrooms. Women have individual stalls. You get privacy. We have urinals. We line up and stare straight into the wall because if we look a centimeter to the left or right, the chances are high that some other guys’ s schlong will appear in your periphery. And if that happens, you will leave the bathroom depressed because that accidental dong-sighting was bigger than yours.