“Thanks for agreeing to do this interview…I’m doing a study on unimpressive males who are clueless…and you fit the bill perfectly.”
“Well, thank you…I guess. At least I fit a bill somewhere…when it comes to bills, I usually avoid them.”
“Let’s get started, Mr. Unimpressive Male.”
1. What are your pet peeves?
“Hmm….I hate when people tell me ‘your shoelace is untied.’ Obviously I am THAT lazy. Please let me fall on my face in peace. Also, we have these universal shirt sizes…small…extra small….large….extra large…and medium. Why no ‘extra medium’? That is where I fit. I’m too big for medium and only a cheeseburger away from a large. Every shopping trip results in me standing around trying to figure out wether I would need to hold in my breath everytime I wear a particular shirt or wear the large that would not match my skinny jeans. And we all know that is a fashion foul cause Joan Rivers said so.”
2. Do you feel unaccomplished?
“Yes. Every day I look in the mirror and I am filled with regret. Starting from the choices I made in high school….the paths I chose in my career…and they years I wasted in college. I get jealous when I see those more fortunate than me. That’s why I hate shows that let rich folks display everything we wish we had. They complain that they can’t find the perfect Lamborghini to match their brand new custom made Prada purse…and I’m over here trying to decide over which brand of cereal to buy. You know what? If I had money, I would create my own extra medium clothing line. In fact, can we go back to the pet peeve question? I also hate guys at the club who wear shirts two sizes too small just to highlight the muscles. Seriously, if you sneeze, your shirt will rip off. Seriously, your shirt is so tight that I can see what you ate at the club….because your shirt is so tight that I can see the sampler platter you just scarfed down go through the digestive process just by looking at your shirt. I like science and all….but prefer not to see it happen in 3D.”
3. Why haven’t you had a second child?
“I’m scared to. I honestly feel like I would not have enough love to give a second child. I give my kid everything she wants….toys….clothes. She is spoiled. What would happen if I had a second kid? My first kid would not get everything she wanted….I would actually have to say no to her. Maybe I can give that job to my wife…because she has no problem saying no to me every night. My wife has talked to me about having another kid….but I can’t do it.”
“Well, thank you Mr. Unimpressive. I have learned nothing from this interview and it was a complete waste of my time. Good luck with your future extra medium clothing line.”