Tag Archives: confidential

“….things you probably don’t want to know.”

Allergies are the worst. You walk around like a zombie because all the medication you took warned of drowsiness. Your eyes are puffy….your nose is running like a faucet so you just balled up tissue and stuck it directly in your nostrils to stop the ooze. Your coughing and breathing hard, so you sound like Darth Vader wherever you go. Its the most unsexy condition known to man. That’s where i am now. I feel weak and every single small task feels like im trying to cure world hunger.  I look at my stairs into my house ans it looks like Mount Everest to me.

“She wanted stairs….I didn’t want stairs.  Who’s bright idea was it to invent stairs? What happened to the old fashioned skill of climbing up walls. What I wouldn’t give to be Spider-Man right now..just shoot a web-thingy out of my arm and float up there. ”

After the slowest trek up a flight of stairs ever in the Guinness Book of World Records…I plopped on my couch and took an inventory. It was nice and quiet. All I could hear was the heaving of my mucus filled lungs. The silence was broken.

“Honey. …can you grab the laundry out of the dryer? ”

I sighed and got up to walk to the garage. I opened up the dryer and something caught my eye. Something in a far away box…it was shiny. I had to know what it was. We are all attracted to shiny things…so my wandered as I figured out a way to get to that box. I began moving box after box and it was finally within grasp. I was wheezing from all this unexpected work. I grabbed the shiny item and looked at it. A plain ol’ CD. I flipped it over and there was writing on it.

“Freaky-Deeky mix….oooohhhhhh”

I was curious. It was my wife’s handwriting. I walked back into the house.

“Hey..babe. What’s this?” I handed it to her. She chuckled.

“Do you really want to know what I used this CD for? What kind of music is on this CD?”

“No…but I bet it whenever you played this ‘Freaky-Deeky’ CD, a bed was involved.”

“Not always…..” She laughed. I had stumbled upon my wife’s old mood music CD. The music she played to become the soundtrack to a night full of nasty activities. I looked at her and I could see her mind churning….thinking of memories and the random dongs that joined in this CD.

I’ve known this woman for 17 years. But I had never asked about her “number.” The amount of men she had slept with. It never bothered me. But I admit, I get weak sometimes. What would I gain if she told me? First of all, she would probably be lying. And no matter what the number was….it would still be too high in my eyes. And more questions would come up.

“Who was your best? Am I the best? Who was ‘bigger? Who? That guy? No way….where is he now? Im going there and asking him to show it….cause you know I have no problem whipping it out for no reason.”

So, I bit my tongue and tabled that question. There are just some questions that you don’t want the answers to.

I’m curious. What about you? Are there questions about your significant other that you don’t want the answers to? Does the ‘number’ bother you?

“I hope she doesn’t smell like soup.”

Dating is a fun game. You meet someone and you gain interest. Maybe, it’s their eyes…their smile…or the cute way they flip people off in traffic. But, we all have dealbreakers. That one thing that will make us lose interest in a second. He could have the face of Zac Efron….body of David Beckham…he builds orphanages….he gives to charity….he sits through every Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy with you…just perfect. You talk to him one day and you discover that one thing. That one thing you can’t get pass. That one thing that makes you lose interest.

“Hey honey….its me. What did you do all day?”

“Well, after I was helping at the homeless center I decided to go to the park and feed birds. But I saw this little boy eating an ice cream cone, it fell down and he started to cry. So I took him by the hand and bought him another one. We got to talking and he told me he hated math. And how he hated Algebra. So I taught him about the history of the Pythagorean Theorem. And now he loves math..”

“Wow, you are too sweet…..”

“Yeah I used to have trouble with math. But my ex helped me with it…and it wasn’t just math. I had family problems, but she showed me that family is important. I am the way that I am….because of her.”

Boom. You learn he is not truly over his ex. And everytime he does anything,  you question:

“Is he that way because of his ex?”

And it goes downhill from there.

I have had those situations. And through my 30 something years on this earth,  I found out what I liked and what my dealbreakers are.

1. Substance. A pretty face is great. But what I love most is substance. Tell me about you, what your dreams are…your goal in life. Personally, I love the art of conversation. Current events, whats happening in the world.  Where do you see yourself in ten years? Please don’t say:

“In ten years? Umm..i don’t know. Probably shopping…hi-five!”

2. A sense of humor. I never used to thing this was important until I met Lindsay. She was hilarious. She was witty. She made me laugh all the time….but it didn’t work. Why? See number 3.

3. Voice. Lindsay’s voice was very very deep. I felt like I was dating a late night radio DJ who played Slow Jams. Not cool. But on the opposite side of the spectrum, baby voice. You ever meet someone who talks in ‘baby voice’ all the time? And even makes a baby sound while they sneeze? Yes, not cool.

4. Smell. I dated a girl named Cassie. She was beautiful and interesting. But for some odd reason, she always smelled like soup. Specifically,  minestrone soup. Did she work in a soup kitchen? I don’t know. But,  needless to say, it didn’t work out. The power of smell is strong. You can smell something and it will make you flashback to your childhood…when you walked to school and you always passed a bakery and smelled fresh bread. So everytime you smell bread, you are reminded of this childhood memory. So whenever I walk into Olive Garden and smell soup, it reminds me of Cassie.

4. “Other” This is a wild card. Maybe, the person you are dating has the habit of cutting his toenails in the middle of a restaurant. Or, maybe the guy you are dating always uses the words “pal” or “buddy” or “chief”. Or maybe the guy you are dating likes to keep the door open while he is doing “number 2” in the bathroom. I used to date a woman named Andrea. She had everything…looks…smarts..good voice…but she had this weird habit of making sound effects whenever she talked.

“Hey Andrea! How you been? You ok?”

“Yeah..sorry im late. I was driving(she would make a car sound) and this car cut me off (she would make a car beeping sound). I was so mad (she would make an angry face and say GRRR. ) And at work, I couldn’t get anything done. ..cause the printer kept jamming (she would imitate the sound of a printer. .and then the sound of it jamming.)

I’m being totally serious. Feel free to tell me any dealbreakers you may have.

“Do I need to wash my junk tonight?”

The process of dating is fun. You meet someone. You work up the nerve to try to talk to them. You spit out awkward conversation knowing that any line you say could turn her off for good.

“Yeah, people say I’m pretty sensitive. I mean, I slept with a teddy bear until I was 17.”

“You love to shop?  So do I! I can just stay in the condom aisle for hours….I mean, so many choices….Magnum,  extra sensitive, ribbed….the possibilities are  endless!”

But say you find the one…..the real one. Not the one you just want to sleep with. THE one….the person who would accept you even if you pass gas every 15 seconds in public. Thats gross,  by the way, don’t do that. (I’m talking to you Mr. Blue Polo shirt who was in front of me at Target this morning.)

It’s amazing the lengths we go to impress someone. You comb your hair, you dress up in your best outfits….you ACTUALLY bathe. Being single was great,  but many people don’t appreciate the perks of being married. This is my list of perks to being married.

1. My socks don’t have to match and they can have holes in them. My wife loves me even if my big toe is sticking out of my socks that don’t match.

2. I don’t have to be “Mr. All Night Long” anymore. Now its more like, “Hurry up, commercials are on…don’t want to miss my show.” And she doesn’t get mad at my “secret collection” that I’ve had since I was a freshman in college. Had some lonely nights back then.

3. I don’t have to shave my face every day. I hate shaving. And I end up a bloody mess every single time I do it. But I do “man-scape”, I take pride in it. I treat it like a Bonsai Tree…I prune it, shape it. It’s a work of art.

4. She is not embarrassed by my actions. She laughs at every bad joke I say….and doesn’t mind that I still sing Blackstreet Boys and N’sync songs full blast with the windows down in my car.

5. She helps me keep my “Man-card.” No, I wasn’t watching NASCAR or giving my car a tune-up last night. I was letting my daughter paint my toe nails while watching American Idol.

“..I’m sorry, I really didn’t expect this.”

“….and the nominees are John Travolta for his absolute massacre of Idina Menzel’s name during the Oscars….Lauren Caitlin Upton for her hilarious speech about ‘the Iraq…such as’…..Sweet Brown for her phrase ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’ during a stroll through her hallway to get a ‘cold pop’….and misplacedtalent2 for his impressive mediocrity in everything he does…”

“…and the award goes to….misplacedtalent2….”

“Wow…seriously I didn’t expect this. I didn’t even think I would be nominated for this category…and how could we leave off ‘Keyboard Cat’? But….I do have a speech prepared surprisingly….first of all, I’d like to thank my wife for teaching me that having 7 inches and only lasting 49 seconds  is ok. Thank you babe, and let’s try for 52 seconds next time! I want to thank the three judges from the Waltz competition I was in during the 8th grade…thank you for giving me a chance to show that anyone could find a way to embarrass themselves while dancing to ‘Moon River.’ I want to thank the two bullies who stole my Halloween candy bag when I was in 6th grade while I was walking down Elliott Drive….all I had was Tootsie Rolls in that bag anyway…I want to thank the hot lifeguard in the red bikini who taught me the importance of tying your swim shorts tightly before you jump into a swimming pool…cause if you attempt a belly flop, your shorts will fly right off….and the water is cold…so please expect ‘shrinkage’……I also would like to thank Jergens Lotion….you have helped me during many lonely nights during high school….I’d like to thank Smokey the Bear for showing me that even I could prevent forest fires…..and last but definitely not the least…..my daughter. For showing me unconditional love. For becoming the reason why I wake up every day. For giving me a purpose in life…and for smiling at every joke I tell. I love you baby.”

The Daily Post-Your Acceptance Speech

“I can’t even take care of myself. .”

I stared at my wife.

“Are we sure we want to do this? Are we ready for this?”

She looked at me, “I think so.”

“Should we wait a bit? Like a year? Or five?

She laughed, “Five? No…we should do this now.”

I thought to myself, “A baby…me, a Dad? I can’t even take care of myself.”

But, she was right. She thought we ready. We didn’t know if we could but we wanted to take a chance. I did my research and bought enough books to fill a library. After, two months of hard….fun work….my wife was pregnant. Then came the cravings, which led to late night trips to find fish sandwiches. Or early mornings where she wanted ice cream and pickles for breakfast.

A few months later,  we were at the doctor’s office looking at my baby through a computer screen.

“It’s a girl…..congratulations.”

I started to panic internally. I flashed forward to her first steps, first prom, her first broken heart. I got angry, “I don’t know you, but whoever you are…you broke my daughter’s heart..I hate you.” I realized I was jumping way ahead of myself. My kid wasn’t even born yet and I was already mad at future boyfriends.

I looked at the screen and said, “I’m so proud of you baby…whoever you are….I love you and I can’t wait to meet you.”

5 and a half years later, our house is an explosion of Disney and pink. And if I hear “Let It Go” one more time, I will go crazy. From the random dancing in the middle of a mall store, hugs from my little one, tantrums, tea parties, and giggle fests….I couldn’t be happier. But, I still hate you future boyfriend.

Daily Press-A Chance

Scarred Forever and Justin Timberlake. The Story of Lea Part 6

She walked out her LA home into her driveway. She pulled her keys from her pocket and cigarettes in the other. She hopped in her truck and lit up her cigarette. She turned the ignition and pulled out of her driveway. The phone rang inside the house. The call was for her but she had left to run a few errands. She fumbled around her radio stations and heard something catchy….the new Justin Timberlake song. Not the stuff she normally liked but she liked this song. It only took an hour to get her errands done and she headed back home. She glanced a herself in the rearview mirror and wondered about her life. Her eyes hid pain behind them. She had hopped from one bad relationship to another…..a man who cheated on her…to a man who was abusive…to another man who cheated on her. She laughed to herself, “Guys are assholes.” She was home now. Her father met her at the doorway.

“Lea…that boy called you when you left.”

“Who? Mike? You know I don’t want to talk to him Dad..”

“No….the boy from up north.”

She knew who he was talking about. And she sat down to think about the boy. She hadn’t talked to him in nine years. And a flashback of how angry she was filled her heart. She smirked. She realized it was silly and picked up the phone to call him.

“Hello?” The spikey-haired boy answered.

“Hey cutie…long time no talk.”

“Lea…its so good to hear your voice. And I know I’m a jerk. It’s been so long please forgive me.”

“I’m not mad. …but you owe me big time.” She laughed.

“I know….let me take you out. Tonight.”

“What? Tonight? What do you mean?”

“I’m getting on a flight to LA. I will be there this afternoon. Deal? Let me make it up to you.”

“Sure….wow. Ok, tell me when your flight lands so I can pick you up.”

She said goodbye and hung up. She stopped to think about the night. She had no plans but now she felt she didn’t have time to get ready. But, she couldn’t wait….she missed him so.

A few hours later she parked at LAX airport and headed to the arrival area for United Airlines. She didn’t know what to expect. She had no idea what he looked like now. She surveyed the terminal and saw him. His eyes caught hers and he smiled and waved. He began to walk to her. He no longer had the spikey-hair, his head was completely shaven now. He was dressed in formal clothes and you could hear the click clack from his dress shoes. He stepped to her and gave her a hug.

“Hi Lea…wow, you look good. You haven’t changed.”

“Hey cutie…and look at you Mr. Fancypants.”

They walked towards her car and started to catch up. It was familiar….it was comfortable. It was like they were teenagers again. She pulled into her driveway and helped him with his luggage. He walked into her house and was greeted by her father.

“Hey…its the boy from up north. Well, not a boy I see. A man now.”

“Thanks Uncle..” He said nervously.

“I see why Lea loves you so much..”

Lea gasped. “Dad….stop.” Her father laughed loudly and left the room.

She turned to him and asked if he needed to get ready. He replied yes and walked into the bathroom. She went into her room and waited. She heard him stirring in the living room and called for him. He peeked into the room hesitantly.

“Whoa…a lot of pink. Didn’t know you had the room of a 9 year old girl. The only thing missing is Cabbage Patch Dolls.” He continued to look around her room and spotted hot pink panties on her bed. He began to blush.

“What? Seeing my underwear makes you nervous?” She picked them up and threw it at him. He dodged it and giggled.

She looked at him up and down. His style had changed. He wore Dickies and a ringer tee. A chain dangled from his pocket connecting to his wallet. She left the room to take a shower. Her mind raced. She was excited about their impromptu date.

He stayed in her room and sat down on her bed. He felt time was flying too fast…he only had two nights with her. He was anxious. He thought about their history together. Fourteen years. They were no longer teenagers, they were both 24…and they both did not know what would come of this weekend.

She stepped out of the bathroom. He saw her enter the room and he was speechless. She was beautiful. She could  read his eyes. She grabbed her keys and they started their night together. They ended up a bar.

“This is my spot….we can drink….dance.”

“Cool…I like it. Now if this is ‘your spot’, we’re not gonna run into any angry ex- boyfriends or anything right?” He said it jokingly.

“Of course not…not tonight at least.”

He loved her sense of humor.

They sat down and ordered a couple of drinks. He looked at the bottle of beer that landed at his table. He did not like beer. He hated the taste but he took a swig. She could see the disgust on his face.

“Tastes good right?”

He said, “yeah, sweet like candy.” He choked and coughed.

But as the night went on the bad flavor disappeared. She jumped up.

“We gotta dance. I love this song.”

“Justin Timberlake?  Never knew you were a fan.”

She grabbed his hand and they danced like no one was in the room. The last time they danced it was in his room as teenagers. The rest of the night was a blur. The bar was going to close soon. They decided to sit on the curb outside to sober up. They talked for hours. She laid her head on his shoulder. He was falling for her again. Finally, they walked back to the car. The car ride was unusually quiet. She had a lot on her mind.

She walked him into the house and noticed her father had left a note. He left for the night. She put the note down and left to her room. He decided to change his clothes. She came out a few minutes later wearing a tank top and shorts. He watched her walk across the room. She started to herself.

“I can’t do this. Things are already complicated. I can’t.” She was trying to convince herself to hide her feelings. But she couldn’t.

She walked up to him and pulled him closer. They started to kiss. Raw emotion filled the room. She led him to the kitchen. He picked her up and sat her on the kitchen counter. His hands roamed freely around her body. They had waited years for this moment. She started to undo his button to his pants. She hesitated. …she decided to take him to her room instead. The door closed.

They woke up in each other’s arms. But, their peace was interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Lea? Lea? It’s Auntie Vee.”

Panic filled the room. She told him to hide. He hid in her closet.

“Lea….I got some extra tickets to Disneyland. I figured you would want them…especially since your spikey-haired friend is here to visit…and hiding in your closet.”

Running Out of Excuses

Every morning I wake up and check the weather report. And I’m noticing something…its getting warmer. And my time of excuses is approaching.

Wife: The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend….how about we go camping or hiking?

Me: Sounds good….wait….we have that thing. ..to do…remember?…That thing.

Wife: What thing?

Me: We were gonna….shop for John’s birthday.

Wife: His birthday is next month….why are we shopping a month early.

Me: Because….it shows him we were  just thinking of him…and prepared. He likes that. Hes like a boy scout…always prepared for birthdays. That should be our motto..we should be known as the couple who is always really for birthday parties…they always buy their gifts early. See, we don’t want to ruin our reputation. We don’t want to disappoint our friends….with late gifts.

Yes, that was sad.

I am not an outdoors person. I am not a camper. I don’t see myself hunting and foraging berries for dinner. I need my fridge within 5 feet of me at all times. I need air conditioning….I need comfy beds and pillows. I need good reception for my phone…hello, I have an imaginary farm and cities to take care of on my phone. I need updates from Sportscenter. I would like to fall asleep without the fear of being attacked by a honey badger or eaten by a bear. I’m pretty sure I don’t taste good….because my diet consists of pizza, cap’n crunch cereal, and energy drinks.

My wife is an outdoors person. She loves hiking, climbing mountains, exploring, skydiving, bungee jumping….all the stuff you can die from. I know my buddies are planning a camping trip, and I am trying everything in my power to avoid that. I heard them the other day talking about bringing guns and shooting stuff…they mentioned fishing. That is so not me. I don’t fish…why fish when I can go the local store and grab one from the seafood department. And shooting stuff? I don’t do that….unless it involves Call of Duty on my Xbox. What happened to guys trips to Vegas? Away from nature….and near 24 hour buffets and strip clubs. You know….clean and wholesome fun.