Monthly Archives: March 2014

A 35 Year Old with 11 Year Old Emotions.

Family reunions are unpredictable. For the most part, I enjoy them. The eating, the catching up, the laughing, and the reminiscing. But, that is on one side of the family. My mother’s side is filled with love and laughter. I truly look forward to every time we get together. But, reunions on my father’s side are avoided like the plague. Instead of love,  there is gossip and jealous. There is no laughter, its been replaced with bitterness and judging. I always find reasons not to attend these reunions. But, this weekend was inevitable.

Mom: Son, come stop by this weekend…your relatives are visiting.

I got excited. I knew the regulars would be there. I knew I would eat to my heart’s content. And I knew I would laugh and cry tears of joy. 

Me: Of course, we will be there.

Mom: Your Dad’s sisters will be there too.

Me: What? Why?

I questioned my mom about it. You are mixing the happy side with the angry side? The joyful side with the depressing side? My father’s side makes the Kardashians look like the Tanners from the 90s sitcom Full House. I started to imagine the oodles of awkward and silent conversations I would have with them. The eyes filled with judgment.

Mean Aunt: Have you talked to your father?

Me: No….

Mean Aunt: Why not? He IS your father.

Me: You know what you are right. I should ignore the years of verbal and physical abuse. I should ignore the multiple mistresses. I should ignore the years he beat my mom. Yeah, let me call him now. ‘Hey Dad, how ya been? Wanna catch up over hot cocoa and marshmallows?’

But, if I acted like that….I became one of them. I became bitter. I became angry. I couldn’t avoid this.

So I went. I was anxious when I pulled up. I expected the worst…and received the opposite. I walked in and caught eyes with my aunts from my father’s side. The stood up and immediately hugged me. They apologized for what we went through as a family. They were tears of regret….of pain…and finally,  of happiness. There was laughter. There were smiles. And most of all, love filled the room. And of course, indigestion from all the food I ate. But, I left there with a new spot in my heart for them. And an anticipation for the next reunion.

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The Disappearing Maid of Honor

Planning a wedding is not fun….especially for the man. But, women love it. They get excited over choosing cake, what colors to use, which flowers to showcase, and choosing their bridal party. When I proposed to my wife, she knew who her maid of honor would be. A woman named Veronica. They were best friends. They were co-workers and became inseparable. They shopped together….partied together….travelled together….everything. So when she asked Veronica to be her maid of honor, it was a done deal. Fast forward to two months before the wedding, the maid of honor disappeared. She wasn’t returning phone calls or emails. Finally, a month later my wife received an email with no subject from Veronica. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She did not want to be a part of the wedding. No reason. And she disappeared from my wife’s life forever. It crushed my future wife, especially since she did not know why. And I think it came clear a month ago. All because of a stupid Facebook questionnaire.

Me: Babe…do this game. It ask questions about your past experiences and attaches a money amount to it. And at the end, you add it up…so the more money you “have” calculates how many bad things you have done. K?

Wife: Ok.

My wife did the normal stuff. I read the list…it included smoking cigarettes or stealing from a store. Everyone has tried that. But one question caught me off guard.

Me: Threesome…have you ever had a Threesome.

Wife: ……yes.

Me: Whoa! Stop….details…who? Positions? Tell me please. You never told me this.

Wife: No…I can’t do that. No.

Me: What? Please….are you serious?

Wife: Veronica…

There it was…..she disappeared because she was in love with my wife. And it hurt her to see her get married. And I think my wife knew that all along. And yes, she was hot….just in case you were wondering.

Spring Break 2000 vs. Spring Break 2014

When I turned 21, I knew life would change. Partying would be different….alcohol consumption would be different….women would be different. So the possibilities during spring break were mind-numbing. Destination: Las Vegas. I hopped on an airplane with 11 of my friends and embarked on a journey filled with random hook-ups, drunken taxi riding with strangers, ugly dance moves….and buffets. And Las Vegas did not disappoint. I had never partied like I did that week. Gambling during the day, eating in the afternoon, clubbing at night, bedroom adventures after, and throwing up all the alcohol in the middle of the night. At 21, the world is seen in a different light. All the clubs you couldn’t get in legally…will now let you in legally. Spring break 2000 was crazy. Spring break 2014 is a lot more different. No hopping in a plane to Vegas….instead I hopped in my car to drive my kid to school. No random hook-ups…I just have one hook-up and we have been married for 7 years. No drunk taxi rides…no alcohol at all. But the ugly dancing is there…but its uglier and more offbeat. And yes buffets are still enjoyed…and the extra pounds that came with it. Thats life for me. Instead of gambling all day, I watch Netflix all day. And the only gambling I do is wether to drink milk thats two days past its expiration date. The bedroom adventures are still there but they don’t last as long as they used to…and sometimes they involve me and a bottle of lotion. And if I am up in the middle of the night, its because I’m in the bathroom….because of that expired milk I gambled on earlier. Yes, spring break at 35 is different. But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The Case of the Missing Altoids.

I woke up and got ready to drop off my little one at school. Once my daughter was ready, I reached to grab my usual necessities before I ever leave….wallet….phone…keys….altoids. I grabbed the little red mint container and noticed it was completely empty. From past experience I’ve learned that my little one loves these curiously strong mints and eats them like they are Skittles. I got in the car and started our short 5 minute trip to school with awkward accusations.

Me: Did you eat my mints?

Little one: No….

Me: Tell me the truth….did you eat my mints?

Little one(in a softer voice): No…daddy.

Me: There is no need to lie….just tell me the truth.

(Silence)

We pulled up to school and her friends grabbed her and they began to chase each other all over the playground. I thought to myself….why would she lie about this? Why can’t she just tell me the truth? I mean…if you lie…it should be something big like denying you broke a vase or lamp. Not this. I drive back home and park in my driveway. I walk in to my house and walk into my bedroom  to put my jacket in my closet. I notice I shiny red box on the floor…..an altoids box….completely full. Great. I just interrogated my daughter like a lawyer cross-examining a mistress. I’m a jerk. So when I pick up my daughter today, I owe her a big hug and an apology….and maybe her own box of altoids that she can eat like skittles.

As parents, we make mistakes. But these little situations are crucial…its important to explain you were wrong and that you are sorry. Your little ones will appreciate it.

Don’t Trust Me With Snapchat.

I never messed with Snapchat. I see people use it and it just never appealed to me.

“What could I possibly do with this app? It doesn’t appeal to me.”

Then I saw videos that people posted….funny cats….people falling….ugly dance moves. So I said…why not?

I’ve had this app for about 4 weeks…and I’ve calculated what I have used it for.

7% My dogs
3% My work
10% Funny things at work
80% My penis

Yes….an app just to send my wife various pics of my junk.

My penis right out of the shower….my penis waking up….my penis underneath my boxers….my penis reading the newspaper while enjoying a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Oh…technology.

Surprises In A Browser History

A person’s browser history is always interesting. You might find random things like google searches for “are leprechauns real?” and “my cat ate crab shells..what do i do?” But honestly, most people are private about their browser history. This leads to an interesting experience I had a week ago.

Last week, my phone was acting up. It had this weird habit of freezing and shutting down for no reason. And it gave me weird errors with large number codes to go along with them. So, I freaked out. I yelled out my wife’s name to see if I could use her phone to search out this weird error code. There was no response. So I went to our bedroom and saw my wife in dreamland…fast asleep. I grabbed her phone off the counter and started to search…”problems with android.” Now, I know that just merely typing letters will start to bring up possible words you are looking for…or past things you have looked at…so after trying to type “pro”, I noticed I typed “por” instead. When I went to correct the error, some interesting past sites popped up on my wife’s browser. One in particular caught my attention…it was obviously a porn site. So out of curiousity I went to the site…and boy was I shocked. It was a link that went to the exact video that my wife had looked at. It was a woman coming into a massage place….it starts normal….but then two guys come in and “service” her. My mouth dropped. I had no idea what to think. On one hand this is great! We could watch together! On the other hand…..why was she keeping this a secret? Am I not satisfying her? Is this some fantasy that she has? Because if so…I would be pretty nervous booking any massages for her birthday. It was a hit to my self-esteem. So the next day I confronted her about it. She was completely honest….after the discovery. She said it was not a normal thing….and it only happened twice in like 6 months. But it still made me wonder. …if she needed to get off….why not just ask me to help? I could easily helped her out. But, if you find one skeleton….odds are another one will be right behind it. Stay tuned.

My Balls Are Old.

I manscape. I don’t get all crazy with it and shave it all off but I make sure it’s nice and pretty for my wife. When I was in high school, my hair was my life. I spent paychecks on products to make my hair nice and shiny. But those days are gone, I shave my head completely. So I guess I’ve used that same youthful care of my hair in high school and transferred it to my…….”cash and prizes.” I was due for some manscaping this morning, so I got in the shower and pulled out my trusty razor and went to work. Everything went fine….but I noticed something. Something I had never noticed before….a white hair….on my sack. I had to do a double take. Everywhere else was the color it was supposed to be…except this one white hair that seemed to look at me and laugh. I panicked.

“I know I am getting older….because my balls are old now.”

And if I am indeed getting older, does this white hair signify that the oldest part of my body is my balls? I mean, my penis still looks great. My penis could walk into a bar and order an alcoholic drink…and the waitress would still ask to see his ID. But if my balls walked into the same bar….the waitress would know he was of age already. My penis could pull an all nighter…party all night and sleep two hours and wake up just in time to get to work. But my balls would catch a matinee movie just to make sure he was in bed by 8 to watch the nightly news…and then complain about the government out loud when no one was around.
How long has this white hair been there? When did my balls become a grizzled veteran? So I did the only thing I could do….I plucked it. But what if three more white hairs sprout in its place? And in a week, my nuts would look like the top of Anderson Cooper’s head? And every time I whip it out for my wife she nicknames it Anderson….or Orville Redenbacher?