“Do I need to wash my junk tonight?”

The process of dating is fun. You meet someone. You work up the nerve to try to talk to them. You spit out awkward conversation knowing that any line you say could turn her off for good.

“Yeah, people say I’m pretty sensitive. I mean, I slept with a teddy bear until I was 17.”

“You love to shop?  So do I! I can just stay in the condom aisle for hours….I mean, so many choices….Magnum,  extra sensitive, ribbed….the possibilities are  endless!”

But say you find the one…..the real one. Not the one you just want to sleep with. THE one….the person who would accept you even if you pass gas every 15 seconds in public. Thats gross,  by the way, don’t do that. (I’m talking to you Mr. Blue Polo shirt who was in front of me at Target this morning.)

It’s amazing the lengths we go to impress someone. You comb your hair, you dress up in your best outfits….you ACTUALLY bathe. Being single was great,  but many people don’t appreciate the perks of being married. This is my list of perks to being married.

1. My socks don’t have to match and they can have holes in them. My wife loves me even if my big toe is sticking out of my socks that don’t match.

2. I don’t have to be “Mr. All Night Long” anymore. Now its more like, “Hurry up, commercials are on…don’t want to miss my show.” And she doesn’t get mad at my “secret collection” that I’ve had since I was a freshman in college. Had some lonely nights back then.

3. I don’t have to shave my face every day. I hate shaving. And I end up a bloody mess every single time I do it. But I do “man-scape”, I take pride in it. I treat it like a Bonsai Tree…I prune it, shape it. It’s a work of art.

4. She is not embarrassed by my actions. She laughs at every bad joke I say….and doesn’t mind that I still sing Blackstreet Boys and N’sync songs full blast with the windows down in my car.

5. She helps me keep my “Man-card.” No, I wasn’t watching NASCAR or giving my car a tune-up last night. I was letting my daughter paint my toe nails while watching American Idol.

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