Every morning I wake up and check the weather report. And I’m noticing something…its getting warmer. And my time of excuses is approaching.
Wife: The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend….how about we go camping or hiking?
Me: Sounds good….wait….we have that thing. ..to do…remember?…That thing.
Wife: What thing?
Me: We were gonna….shop for John’s birthday.
Wife: His birthday is next month….why are we shopping a month early.
Me: Because….it shows him we were just thinking of him…and prepared. He likes that. Hes like a boy scout…always prepared for birthdays. That should be our motto..we should be known as the couple who is always really for birthday parties…they always buy their gifts early. See, we don’t want to ruin our reputation. We don’t want to disappoint our friends….with late gifts.
Yes, that was sad.
I am not an outdoors person. I am not a camper. I don’t see myself hunting and foraging berries for dinner. I need my fridge within 5 feet of me at all times. I need air conditioning….I need comfy beds and pillows. I need good reception for my phone…hello, I have an imaginary farm and cities to take care of on my phone. I need updates from Sportscenter. I would like to fall asleep without the fear of being attacked by a honey badger or eaten by a bear. I’m pretty sure I don’t taste good….because my diet consists of pizza, cap’n crunch cereal, and energy drinks.
My wife is an outdoors person. She loves hiking, climbing mountains, exploring, skydiving, bungee jumping….all the stuff you can die from. I know my buddies are planning a camping trip, and I am trying everything in my power to avoid that. I heard them the other day talking about bringing guns and shooting stuff…they mentioned fishing. That is so not me. I don’t fish…why fish when I can go the local store and grab one from the seafood department. And shooting stuff? I don’t do that….unless it involves Call of Duty on my Xbox. What happened to guys trips to Vegas? Away from nature….and near 24 hour buffets and strip clubs. You know….clean and wholesome fun.