The Little Monster

June 19, 2013

Got a phone call the other day from a buddy.

“Hey man…you free tomorrow night? Lets have dinner at my place.”

“Sounds good…let me find a babysitter and I’ll get back to you.”

“No need..being her along. She will have fun.”

So I threw the idea at wifey.

“Dinner tomorrow night…you think the little one will get bored?”

“No…she will be fine.”

This particular couple does not have any kids…been around kids…does not want to have kids at all. Recipe for disaster?

The next night, we knock on my buddy’s door and his wife answers the door. We walk in and sit down on the couch. The little one sees a brand new laptop with a wireless mouse right next to the TV…and proceeds to walk towards it.

“Baby, no. Here, mommy brought her Kindle…play some games.”

The words are not processed and my little one soldiers on to the new laptop and grabs the wireless mouse. She looks to the left and sees an open fireplace with a nice warm fire. No, she wouldn’t, I thought. I was wrong. My little one did her best Justin Verlander impression and threw the hapless mouse into the fireplace. My mouth dropped.

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. How much did that cost? I’ll write you a check right now…but you gotta admit…she’s got a good arm right?”

The couple laughed it off. Dinner was ready so we walked out to the patio to have dinner outside. We sat down and noticed my little one was not sitting with us. I noticed my beer was no longer on the table…and I quickly saw where it went. I heard my little one say..

“I like plants…this one is thirsty.”

And I watched my beer quenching the thirst of a baby apple tree. After I picked up my mouth off of the floor I quickly led my little one back to the table.

“Uh, baby..apple trees don’t like drinking that stuff. Maybe next time, try lite beer. And maybe this plant will start to grow .how much does this cost? I can right you a check right now? Hey, maybe this tree will grow apple-flavored beer? Wouldn’t that be great?”

The couple laughed it off again. After dinner we walked back into the house and my little one noticed my buddy’s album collection. And soon we were all playing album frisbee all over the living room. My wife ran to the front off the fireplace to block off any flying albums from becoming barbecue. I had to laugh at this…I had never seen my little one act like this. She had had her share of meltdowns but this seemed destructive. Was she craving attention? Is she secretly mad at us? Or does she just have an innate anger towards wireless mouses, apple trees, and albums?

We got in the car after dessert and drove home. We were in shock. My wife had no explanation…and I was clueless as well. This had never happened before. My wife tucked her in bed and explained that her behavior was not acceptable. I was mad…and embarrassed. I sat down on my couch and relived the dinner’s events. My wife called me.

“Someone wants to talk to you.”

I walked into my little one’s room.

“Daddy…I’m sorry. I was bad. Please don’t be mad at me.”

I watched as tears streamed out of her eyes.

“It’s ok baby, I forgive you. I think the tree was tired of drinking water anyway…but, the tree might start throwing up applesauce…and I’m sure it will wake up with a mean hangover tomorrow morning.”

I kissed her forehead and walked out of the room.

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