The Fine Print

May 23, 2013

Something mysterious happens you get married. Every person knows the routine, but only married people understand what really happens during the wedding ceremony. Imagine standing with the person you love…ready to proclaim it in front of all your loved ones. The officiant says “Do you take __ to be your wife?” The man says “I do.” And then the officiant asks the woman the same question….she replies, “I do.” And they head off into the sunset, ready to embark on a journey through life together right? No, sorry. You might have hear “I do”, but only the bride and groom really know what was said. When a man really says is:

“I do………..realize that once this ring is put on my finger, sex will no longer be a part of the equation. The word “sex” is no longer a part of my vocabulary. My new best friend will be my hand and I will spend huge amount of money on lotion. In fact, after the reception, I should stick up on a few bottles before I go home.”

And the woman says:

“I do…….realize that sex will only be used for procreation. My libido will greatly decrease and will only allow sex during special occasions and birthdays…sometimes. If I am approached for sex I will magically get sleepy and create an excuse for the next encounter.”

It is a widespread problem throughout the world and men meet frequently to discuss it with their buddies. I recently met with two of my friends who were also married and the topic was brought up. We discussed the rough nights of rejection and the frustration that followed. Well, except one of us.

“Really? None? Me and wifey probably have it at least twice a week..”

I was floored. It gave me hope…and I was determine to try tonight. And besides I was out of lotion and I did not have any cash on me to buy some.

So later that night I kicked my game. I said the right things…gave her a full massage after a dinner that I had slaved in front of a stove for. She said:

“You want something?….this seems suspicious.”

I smiled.

“How about we wait until tomorrow. Lets make Tuesdays and Saturdays our sex days.”

And she stuck out her hand asking for a handshake. Handshake? Really? What was this a business meeting? Did I just close a deal? I imagined we teleported to some conference room and after a long PowerPoint presentation I negotiated a deal with her:

“Every Tuesday and Saturday I will grant you access to my vagina with your penis.”

I stuck out my hand and shook her hand. Is that what marriage is all about? I still couldn’t believe it…but one thing is for sure…I wasn’t going to reject it. Or even negotiate for more “sex” days…cause one wrong turn during these types of labor talks would be disastrous. And that would mean more trips to the store for lotion.


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