The 3-Inch Lie

May 20, 2013

Everyone lies. Doctors tell you the shot won’t hurt and the medicine won’t taste badly. Santa Claus…Easter Bunny…Tooth Fairy. Sorry, all lies. We lie because we do not think it will come back to burn us. And in 2005, I told a lie that still comes back to burn me til’ this day. I was in between relationships at the time and began to talk with a female I had met at a club. We exchanged numbers and promised to meet for coffee the next week. We met later that week and we hit it off…as friends. It was obvious that we would never work romantically but we kept contact anyway. She was funny, interesting, and beautiful. So what stopped me? Nothing…sometimes your heart just doesn’t cooperate. Plus, she was dating a few guys already and I was too lazy to invest the effort needed to chase any girl at the moment. I came home one night and decided to call her. We talked I the phone many times before, but this conversation would change everything. She told me a story about a guy she was dating and mentioned how the sex sucked. I asked her for specifics…why? No foreplay? Boring? She plainly said:

“…size. He’s way too small.”

I was intrigued.

“What? Like what 4 inches?

“No…smaller”

And where comes the fateful turn.

“That’s crazy…i am glad I don’t have that problem.”

“Well…tell me. How big then?”

Oops…I was stuck.

“Me? 10″

“10…wow nice”

Total blatant lie. I was not packing 10 inches. That is King Ding-a-ling status. I questioned myself, “10? 10? Why would you grow that number out there? You couldn’t say 8? Or 9 even? You had to go straight to 10.” I felt it was a harmless lie…we were only friends and she would never ever see my fake 10 anyway.

Two months later, I dropped off a buddy of mine at the airport for a red eye flight. I was exhausted and didn’t want to drive all the way home. So I called her up and asked if I could crash at her spot til the morning. She said yes and I ended up at her place 25 minutes later. I plopped on her couch and tried to fall asleep. A few minutes passed and she walked by wearing a white shirt and small shorts…and no bra. Why? Why is she doing this? I closed my eyes…and felt her grab my hand.

“Come with me.”

Uh-oh.

And within five minutes, she knew I wasn’t pushing 10. I was paranoid the whole time…”She knows I lied…” I even tried flexin it to make it seem like a 10. But who was I trying to fool…so I did what I had to. If I can’t make it look like a 10-incher, I will make it feel like a 10-incher. So, I worked my magic. I used every trick in the books. The next morning, I got up and drove home. My mind was racing…what now? Does this change the way she looks at me? Will I receive a text from her that says “You owe me some inches.” Stupid I know, but my manhood was on the line.

But, that lie affects me every day. Why? Cause I married that girl. And maybe one day…she will wake up on a Saturday, turn over and look me in the eyes and say…”you owe me 3 inches.”

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