June 17, 2013
Flashback to 1996. A spiky-haired high-schooler closed his locker on the last day before summer vacation. He started to look forward to the random parties he would go to this summer. He pictured himself meeting girls and maybe….just maybe…losing his virginity. It was a rough year for this young man. His heart was badly broken by his girlfriend of two weeks. And let’s not even mention the very public erection he had during Geometry class. Did Mr. Armstrong really need me to calculate a proof in the chalkboard at that very moment? And why did I get excited during a math class? Is it cause I am secretly attracted to perpendicular angles and isosceles triangles? Well, I am attracted to one particular “triangle”, but I am getting to it. As I drove home, I knew my house would be empty. My parents told me they would be gone a week. The possibilities were limitless. I stepped through the door and noticed an envelope filled with cash and a letter on the table.
“Dear son, we will be back in 8 days. Here is some money to use for the week. Please be careful. Do not burn the house down. Make smart decisions.”
I grabbed the money and checked the fridge. Nothing. So I decided to head to the store. I pulled into the store parking lot and double checked my hair spray coated flat top hairstyle in the mirror. Sweet, all spikes in place ready to go. But then again, seriously…was I worried about meeting girls in a grocery store? Was make-up on sale? Maybe, hot chicks were attracted to this store because feminine products were on sale? It was stupid…but I was hopeful. I walked down the aisles and purchased the essentials. Pop Tarts, microwaveable pizza, soda, and broccoli. Yes, I like broccoli. After paying at the register, I walked out without seeing any females. I crossed the parking lot and saw a friend drive by. I gave him a head nod and he drove off. I watched his car slow down and stop and then drive off again. What was that about? I got home and my phone rang as soon as I started to bite into a pop tart.
“Hey man, it’s ____.”
“Hey, what’s up..just saw you at the store. Did you see me?”
“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling…I was with my lady and her friend is visiting. She was in the car and she saw you. She wanted to meet you. She made me stop driving cause she wanted me to turn around and ask you out. You free later?”
“Yeah…parents are out of town. I’ll be at your spot later.”
I was excited. And scary. Who is this chick? Was she hot? Or was my friend setting me up for disaster?
I pulled up at his place a couple of hours later. He opened the door. I walked in hesitantly. My eyes caught his girlfriend’s eyes.
She got up. Her friend popped out of nowhere. Holy eff.
She was wearing a tight red top and jeans. I introduced myself and tried to hide my erection.
We watched a movie. Nothing eventful. The phone rang as I stepped into my house. It was Michelle.
“Are you busy tomorrow? Wanna meet up?”
“Sure…I’ll pick you up.”
“Actually, your friend will drop me off at your place…he said your parents were out of town. Is that cool?”
My doorbell rang and she walked in. I have her the tour and offered her some pop tarts. She laughed an sat on my couch. She pulled out a movie and asked for a blanket. I was getting nervous. I had no idea what was going to happen. About half way to the movie, we started to make out. My mind started to race…did I have any condoms? Nope…why did I choose to buy broccoli over condoms? Wait, I did have a condom…in my wallet but it’s been there for 3 years now. Is there an expiration date in condoms? And if it’s expired..does it smell bad like expired milk? Or does it grow mold like expired bread? Yeah, it was ridiculous. We stopped. She leaned over and asked “can my hand…go down for an ‘adventure’? My mind screamed YES, but I cooly said ‘sure.’ Her hand crept down and I was trembling with anticipation. How do you prepare for this? I tried flexing it for the moment she touched it.
After a few seconds, she said..
“I need something in my mouth…”
I stupidly said…
“You hungry? I have broccoli..”
“No…I need THAT in my mouth.”
And that’s where life started for me. But one thing started to bother me…I’ve shown her what I have to offer…what about her? When can I see her ‘cash and prizes’? Little did I know..I would never ever get to see anything she had to offer. She never took off her shirt or panties. I was naked…and she was fully dressed like she was about to walk into a blizzard. We walked into my bedroom and she noticed my Vanilla Ice poster.
“You like that rapper?”
“Uh, no. It’s not my poster.”
Yes it was. Sad, I know.
We got under the covers and she still kept her clothes on. Finally, she removed her panties. I peered down to look at her “situation” and she stopped me.
“No…don’t look. Just put it in.”
What??? What?? I have been waiting for this moment…and now I won’t even be able to see what it looks like? Ok, fine. So a few seconds later, I lost my virginity. And literally I was finished a few seconds later. Don’t laugh.
The next day, we had sex again. And again, she was fully clothed. And the next day, the same thing. What was the deal? Why wouldn’t she let me see her naked? Every time I tried to look, she would stop me. And that’s how it ended. She was flying back home and my parents were coming back. We kept in touch for two months after that but there wasn’t a relationship to salvage. I felt cheated. Yes, I had sex with her…many times. But, I never saw her “cash and prizes” once. It’s like flying to your a place you have never been before and trying to look out the airplane window and it’s just blocked by clouds. You are there but you can’t see it…so are you really there?
This still bothers me today. I’m married now. And I never knew what happened to the girl with the mysterious vagina. So, Michelle..if you are miraculously reading this. Please send a pic of your vagina…I need closure.
I called up my friend who introduced me to the vagina-less female.
“Dude…I gotta tell you something.”
He laughed at my frustration. Great, laugh at my pain. But I couldn’t be too mad at my friend…because 7 weeks from that moment he introduced me to another female…my future wife. Stay tuned.
“Hey, this is ______.