“Oh how I love thee..let me count the ways, then multiply, and divide by 3.”

Where would I be without Math? All the hours I spent in Geometry class, trying to prove a shape was a triangle. Because looks alone can’t determine that, so we have to calculate that by figuring out angles, flipping a coin, and making sure your body is facing wherever Kim Kardashian’s bottom is sitting. Oh how useful it is, because I get confused on wether my beloved pizza slice is indeed a triangle or a really bad impression of a triangle.

And let’s not forget to honor word problems. Because where would we be of we did not know what time a train leaving New York would reach Chicago if it was going 89.7 miles per hour. That practice has been a lifesaver. It helped me figure out wether I should get married.

“If my feelings were in LA….and her feelings were in San Francisco. And they needed to reach the city of ‘marriage’…how fast would the feelings need to develop by 1130 pm? And what about roadblocks? Ok….add ‘baggage’….’insecurity’….multiply by ‘fake facebook accounts’….and divide by the number of sexual partners the person as had….hmm…add erectile dysfunction. ….subtract increased paranoia due to a best friend being of the opposite sex….ok…is that greater than or equal to divorce?”

We would be fools to forget good ole Pythagoras. Who is he? The guy who created the Pythagorean theorem.

A squared + B squared = c squared

Yes, without that theory I wouldn’t know if the urinal I choose to use in the men’s bathroom is too close to the next male. Would that decrease my feeling of comfort? What if the guy turns to me and says “looks like its cold in here”? What if the guy is chewing gum while doing this? Will I be grossed out? And if I  don’t calculate the correct distance to stay away from the nearest urinating man, will he try to engage in a full debate on nuclear negotiations between North Korea and the US.

We owe all this power to Math.

The Daily Post-Game of Groans

“….why does he do that?”

She closed the door behind her. She checked her phone…7:47. Late, again.

“I really need to wake up earlier. I would have gotten ready sooner if hubby wasn’t taking his usual ‘number two’ in the morning….yes he leaves the door unlocked so I can go in and out. But the sight of him on the toilet playing video games is not pretty…”

She turned on her radio…..commercial….checked another station…commercial. She got frustrated.

“Geez…ridiculous.”

She stopped at another red light. Finally a song starts to flow through the speakers.

◆..because I’m happy….clap along if you feel like a room without a roof..◆

“..if they play that song one more time.”

She grabbed a granola bar from her purse.

“That was sweet of hubby to buy me a granola bar and fill up my gas early this morning. And he does this in whatever he fell asleep in. Today…tank top and Spongebob Squarepants pajamas and mismatching slippers. One blue…and one pink. Imagine the look of the cashier when he comes up to pay. She probably thinks he’s a drug addict or something.”

She laughed to herself.

“His allergies are killing him. And now he’s complaining about his nose being addicted to nose spray. Is that even real? Nose spray addiction? Do I need to set up an intervention for his nose? I can see it now…’hi, I’m a nose and I’m addicted to Afrin nose spray.’ He probably just made that up…..let me see.”

She waited til the light turned red.

She remembered his outfit this morning.

“He really doesn’t care what people think…and if it makes people laugh…he thinks its worth it. Maybe i’ll give him ‘some’ tonight…..NAH.”

” Oh, the places you will go..”

Three super items and I only have enough money for one.

1. Helmet of Invisibility
2. An Anywhere Door
3. A Time Machine

You can only choose one. I really can’t see a good reason to have invisibility. Do I really want to have the power to spy on conversations and hear things I don’t want to hear? Sorry not my thing. But what about an “anywhere door?” The power to get anywhere in a second. I would never be late for work…..late for anything. But again, not very useful to me because I probably would only use that door to buy food or decrease the amount of laziness I have. Think about it….I can see myself sitting on the couch watching TV.

“A croissant…..and a donut? A cronut? Wow, sounds good.” Poof, I get one.

“An 18 inch corndog in Milwaukee?”
Poof….I get one.

A few more trips through the anywhere door and I wouldn’t be able to move anywhere cause of all the weight I gained.

So if I had to choose, it would be the Time Machine. I love history so this machine would give me the power to see anything I wanted. Forget the History channel…I would be living history. I would watch Lincoln’s Gettysburg address. Watch George Washington cross the Delaware River on that historic night. Maybe, I felt like seeing dinosaurs…all it would take is one trip. I am fascinated by stories of kings and knights. I could live out my own version on The Game of Thrones, well, minus the beheading stuff. And what if I want to see the future?  Do we all just become zombies later? Are there flying cars? I could find that out easily. But most of all, this power would allow me to fix the mistakes I made in life. The things that still bother me today. The regrets….the bad decisions.

1.
1998. I was 9. It was my mother’s birthday and I saved money to buy her a gift. I asked her to take me to the department store to buy her a gift. She was so excited. We walk into the store and start walking to the aisle with perfume and birthday cards. But im sidetracked….by the video game aisle. I see this Ninja video game and I look at the l price…..8.99. I have 7.00, enough for a small gift and card for my mother. I grab the game and find my mother.

“Mom, I want to buy this game but I don’t have enough. I need three more dollars. Can I borrow it from you?”

She has a sad look on her face and she hands me three dollars. So not only did I not use the money to buy her a gift, but  she paid for the rest of this Ninja game. What a jerk move. I would hop in my time machine and bring extra money with me and buy her something special.

2.
2004. I was reunited with my future wife. We hung out as friends and she started hanging out with my friends. It was innocent at first but I was developing feelings.The problem was my best friend was developing feelings for her also. He turned to me..

“Hey man, is it cool if I ask her out? I mean, would it be weird because of your history with her?”

“Sure man…no problem. We dated in the past…so its not a big deal.”

But it was a big deal. We had feelings for each other and now we had to hide it. He asked her out and they went on a couple of dates. She showed no interest in him and continued to want to date me. This is where I would have used the time machine. I would have explained my feelings for her. He probably would have understood and backed off. But, I didn’t do that so he found out about my feelings for her much later. He developed feelings of resentment and anger. And basically “unfriended” me. I was ostracized by our group of guy friends. And forced to take a different path. I’ve known that guy since 6th grade….he would have been my best man. I’ve tried numerous times to reconcile…email…..messages through FB. And have received silence.

3. And finally for pig-headed reasons.
Every man’s bucket-list.

What would you choose?

“….things you probably don’t want to know.”

Allergies are the worst. You walk around like a zombie because all the medication you took warned of drowsiness. Your eyes are puffy….your nose is running like a faucet so you just balled up tissue and stuck it directly in your nostrils to stop the ooze. Your coughing and breathing hard, so you sound like Darth Vader wherever you go. Its the most unsexy condition known to man. That’s where i am now. I feel weak and every single small task feels like im trying to cure world hunger.  I look at my stairs into my house ans it looks like Mount Everest to me.

“She wanted stairs….I didn’t want stairs.  Who’s bright idea was it to invent stairs? What happened to the old fashioned skill of climbing up walls. What I wouldn’t give to be Spider-Man right now..just shoot a web-thingy out of my arm and float up there. ”

After the slowest trek up a flight of stairs ever in the Guinness Book of World Records…I plopped on my couch and took an inventory. It was nice and quiet. All I could hear was the heaving of my mucus filled lungs. The silence was broken.

“Honey. …can you grab the laundry out of the dryer? ”

I sighed and got up to walk to the garage. I opened up the dryer and something caught my eye. Something in a far away box…it was shiny. I had to know what it was. We are all attracted to shiny things…so my wandered as I figured out a way to get to that box. I began moving box after box and it was finally within grasp. I was wheezing from all this unexpected work. I grabbed the shiny item and looked at it. A plain ol’ CD. I flipped it over and there was writing on it.

“Freaky-Deeky mix….oooohhhhhh”

I was curious. It was my wife’s handwriting. I walked back into the house.

“Hey..babe. What’s this?” I handed it to her. She chuckled.

“Do you really want to know what I used this CD for? What kind of music is on this CD?”

“No…but I bet it whenever you played this ‘Freaky-Deeky’ CD, a bed was involved.”

“Not always…..” She laughed. I had stumbled upon my wife’s old mood music CD. The music she played to become the soundtrack to a night full of nasty activities. I looked at her and I could see her mind churning….thinking of memories and the random dongs that joined in this CD.

I’ve known this woman for 17 years. But I had never asked about her “number.” The amount of men she had slept with. It never bothered me. But I admit, I get weak sometimes. What would I gain if she told me? First of all, she would probably be lying. And no matter what the number was….it would still be too high in my eyes. And more questions would come up.

“Who was your best? Am I the best? Who was ‘bigger? Who? That guy? No way….where is he now? Im going there and asking him to show it….cause you know I have no problem whipping it out for no reason.”

So, I bit my tongue and tabled that question. There are just some questions that you don’t want the answers to.

I’m curious. What about you? Are there questions about your significant other that you don’t want the answers to? Does the ‘number’ bother you?

“I hope she doesn’t smell like soup.”

Dating is a fun game. You meet someone and you gain interest. Maybe, it’s their eyes…their smile…or the cute way they flip people off in traffic. But, we all have dealbreakers. That one thing that will make us lose interest in a second. He could have the face of Zac Efron….body of David Beckham…he builds orphanages….he gives to charity….he sits through every Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy with you…just perfect. You talk to him one day and you discover that one thing. That one thing you can’t get pass. That one thing that makes you lose interest.

“Hey honey….its me. What did you do all day?”

“Well, after I was helping at the homeless center I decided to go to the park and feed birds. But I saw this little boy eating an ice cream cone, it fell down and he started to cry. So I took him by the hand and bought him another one. We got to talking and he told me he hated math. And how he hated Algebra. So I taught him about the history of the Pythagorean Theorem. And now he loves math..”

“Wow, you are too sweet…..”

“Yeah I used to have trouble with math. But my ex helped me with it…and it wasn’t just math. I had family problems, but she showed me that family is important. I am the way that I am….because of her.”

Boom. You learn he is not truly over his ex. And everytime he does anything,  you question:

“Is he that way because of his ex?”

And it goes downhill from there.

I have had those situations. And through my 30 something years on this earth,  I found out what I liked and what my dealbreakers are.

1. Substance. A pretty face is great. But what I love most is substance. Tell me about you, what your dreams are…your goal in life. Personally, I love the art of conversation. Current events, whats happening in the world.  Where do you see yourself in ten years? Please don’t say:

“In ten years? Umm..i don’t know. Probably shopping…hi-five!”

2. A sense of humor. I never used to thing this was important until I met Lindsay. She was hilarious. She was witty. She made me laugh all the time….but it didn’t work. Why? See number 3.

3. Voice. Lindsay’s voice was very very deep. I felt like I was dating a late night radio DJ who played Slow Jams. Not cool. But on the opposite side of the spectrum, baby voice. You ever meet someone who talks in ‘baby voice’ all the time? And even makes a baby sound while they sneeze? Yes, not cool.

4. Smell. I dated a girl named Cassie. She was beautiful and interesting. But for some odd reason, she always smelled like soup. Specifically,  minestrone soup. Did she work in a soup kitchen? I don’t know. But,  needless to say, it didn’t work out. The power of smell is strong. You can smell something and it will make you flashback to your childhood…when you walked to school and you always passed a bakery and smelled fresh bread. So everytime you smell bread, you are reminded of this childhood memory. So whenever I walk into Olive Garden and smell soup, it reminds me of Cassie.

4. “Other” This is a wild card. Maybe, the person you are dating has the habit of cutting his toenails in the middle of a restaurant. Or, maybe the guy you are dating always uses the words “pal” or “buddy” or “chief”. Or maybe the guy you are dating likes to keep the door open while he is doing “number 2” in the bathroom. I used to date a woman named Andrea. She had everything…looks…smarts..good voice…but she had this weird habit of making sound effects whenever she talked.

“Hey Andrea! How you been? You ok?”

“Yeah..sorry im late. I was driving(she would make a car sound) and this car cut me off (she would make a car beeping sound). I was so mad (she would make an angry face and say GRRR. ) And at work, I couldn’t get anything done. ..cause the printer kept jamming (she would imitate the sound of a printer. .and then the sound of it jamming.)

I’m being totally serious. Feel free to tell me any dealbreakers you may have.

“I’m a man and I need a purse.”

There comes a time in every man’s life where we contemplate if we could walk a straight line in heels. What….just me? But seriously, I’m jealous of purses. I need a purse but a manly purse. The ability to carry whatever you want….wallet….tissue…extra clothes…food…phone…checkbook is underrated. Men have to carry a lot of stuff too….why cant we be fashionable and manly at the same time? And no, don’t say messenger bags. I don’t want to look like a roaming IT support guy who has a messenger bag and can clear your computer viruses on the drop of a dime. I wear jeans every day. And there is no room for extra accessories in these skinny pockets. My wallet…my keys…an inhaler(I’m an asthmatic)…tissue(allergies)…yes, I’m quite a mess when it comes to health. That’s all I have room for. But what about if I want to store a peanut and jelly sandwich. ..or goldfish crackers for my little one if she gets hungry? And what if I want to sneak snacks into the movies?

“Let’s see….popcorn….two sodas….two candies…one kid size lemonade….that will be 35.00.”

“Wow what a deal! You guys should really charge more for this stuff..I mean, with prices like this you could go out of business.”

And speaking of jealousy, another reason why I’m jealous of women. You have the power to be sexy. That is not a normal male trait. Well, unless you are Ryan Gosling…cause admit it men, even you think he is sexy.

“Nah man that’s fruity….I can’t say he’s sexy. But he does have beautiful blue eyes.”

A man can put his best outfit on…..get his hair done up….kick his best lines….be witty…and still go home and grab his big bottle of lotion.

But a woman could walk into a bar wearing sweat pants…straight out of bed….and still come home with a man. Its the simple things. A woman can sit there and twirl her hair….sexy. She can bite her lip…sexy. Imagine a female going into your closet and putting on one of your shirts on just wearing panties. And if a man goes into a woman’s closet….grabs a blouse or cardigan..puts it on….and walks out wearing that and his whitey-tighties on….sexy? Nope.

And finally, I’m jealous of your bathrooms. Women have individual stalls. You get privacy. We have urinals. We line up and stare straight into the wall because if we look a centimeter to the left or right, the chances are high that some other guys’ s schlong will appear in your periphery. And if that happens,  you will leave the bathroom depressed because that accidental dong-sighting was bigger than yours.

“I….just…..can’t…..stop.”

We all guilty pleasures. Maybe we feel guilty cause we know it’s wrong….or because it’s not healthy….or maybe because we feel it would be embarrassing if anyone knew. I have a guilty pleasure for each category. But, I think its perfectly normal to have these secrets. I mean, honestly, do you really share everything with people? Are you completely honest all the time?

“Will the medicine taste bad doctor?”

“Will the shot hurt Doctor? ”

See, even doctors have to lie. Or would you like this?

“Yes…it will taste horrible. It tastes like phlegm mixed with tartar sauce. And to make things worse, it will give you diarrhea….a serious case of what us doctors call ‘mudbutt’.”

“Will the shot hurt doc?”

“Yes, it will hurt immensely. Your right arm will become numb for two days. And this will affect your aim while urinating. Your aim will veer to the right,  so in suggest practicing or you will make a mess everytime you pee.”

No, we don’t want to hear that.

First thing, I love reality TV. My DVR is filled with it. What’s going on the Kardashians? This guy needs to know. Which star is being eliminated from Dancing with the Stars? Again, i’ll be watching with a big tub-o-popcorn. Mama June is getting married in Here comes Honey Boo Boo? Oooh, I gotta see that! Tribal council on Survivor…who’s getting voted off? But seriously, I am addicted to reality tv shows that have to do with singing. I sit there and sing along to every sing song a contestant sings. Well, they hit the notes…I sing terrible. I cheer when my favorite contestants do well and I go into deep depression if one of my favorites leaves the competition. Yes, I know. That’s very manly of me.

I have a huge sweet tooth. I need it all the time. I can stand in the candy aisle for hours. Am I in the mood for chocolate? Something sour? Something fruity? All of the above please. I am a dentist’s nightmare.

“Yes…i have to say this but, you have seven cavities. And they are huge. The size of a Skittles to be exact.”

“Really? Cause I just had some before I got here….you want some? The green ones are my favorite.”

But my all-time favorite sweet thing is caramel. I have eaten jars of that stuff. I put it on ice cream, apples, pies, cakes, and certain body parts. (I don’t recommend it cause it is very sticky and hard to wash off. Plus, you and your significant other will smell like caramel all day.)

Speaking of my junk, that leads me to my next guilty pleasure…social media. I spend all day checking Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I comment on statuses…like pics…and retweet funny posts. But, my current addiction is Snapchat. Just ask my wife, she constantly receives  special pics of me.

But my number one guilty pleasure is blogging. Why? Writing? Really? Yes. Because no one I know knows about this blog. The things I write about my wife…my dirty past….my thoughts on marriage and single life…the struggles with parenting and marriage…it would cause me great trouble if this blog was discovered. But I love writing and expressing myself through it. I am addicted to reading other blogs and sharing in their lives. I feel honored to see that aspect of the people I follow. And if you are reading this…thank you.

The Daily Post-Guilty Pleasure